The Bullet
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Second request from my Rolivia One Shot series. Requested by Mazzy-Lee. Today's generation is sick of being the talk of the media, sick of being a thought a prayer. They just want to be safe when they walk the Halls of their school. No One understands more than Amanda.


**Chapter: The Bullet**

**P O V: Amanda Rollins**

**A/N: If anyone wants to see full fics of any of these one-shots, hit me up, Pm me or review, Tweet or IG me mileycfan4eva. I own nothing except my ideas in my head, thanks for the reviews, favs and follows. Have an amazing SVU Premiere week! **

_"Mom, Mom can you hear me? It's Elise. Mom, I'm sorry about this morning, you're not old or embarrassing. Mom, thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you Mom, If I don't make it. Please remember me." my vision dances in black spots as my eyes slowly open, hearing panicked voices. _

_"Dad it's Joel. I'm trapped in my classroom. Three of my classmates are dead beside me. Dear God. I love you. I'm being brave dad like you taught me, I'm protecting my sister. Thank you, Dad, for being everything you didn't have to be. Good-Bye, dad." _

_The sound of gunfire penetrated the stillness of the frightful air. Shattering innocence and hope from my angle I could just barely make out the shooter who stands at least 6'2 nearly two hundred pounds of muscle. Another round of magazine fire, bullets tore through the classroom. My gun lay a few feet away, I can't move to get it, my leg is throbbing from the 7-millimeter hole gaping out of my knee cap. Blood steadily flowing out. _

_Screams fill the room frantic calls to parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends made in panic-stricken final moments. Kids huddled under desks, in closets, corners some holding hands or each other, others silently rocking back and forth alone, scared, confused. Many prayed my eyes scanned the room, I didn't want anyone playing the hero. Crawling softly, quickly my eyes stayed on the shooter, he hadn't seen me in here. didn't know I was a cop. I'm trained to deal with hostage situations. But right now the time is of the essence. _

"_Remember when I asked you out, Alyssa? Remember how you laughed at me, remember how small you made me feel? Who's laughing now? Bitch _

_Another shot rings out a cheerleader falls to the ground blood pours out of her head. My anger boils replacing my fear, I have little time to think about my gorgeous girlfriend Olivia who is also my Lieutenant, she passes through my thoughts briefly, a pain stabbing my heart. I don't want her to find my lifeless body. _

_Surviving is my only option looking at the innocent faces staring at me in horror, fear. I push through my pain. "Yo' Nathan my man you don't need to do this." Great someone is playing hero just what I don't need. I finally reach my gun quietly pulling myself up, the student's back is facing me, but the teacher who has stepped up to challenge him is Mr. Archer he's facing me. Our eyes connect. _

"_Sit down old man, I don't want to shoot you, shit man you're one of the few teachers who respect kids. you're not one of these assholes who made my life a living hell. You know who you are all of you! You will pay!"_

_Pain is slicing through my lower half as I stand nearly shaking, blood has covered my lower leg, floor. It'll be a miracle if I keep this leg. My heart is pounding in white -hot flashes. I only get one shot once I shoot he'll turn and a spray of bullets will fill my world from his Ak-15. I'll be dead. _

"_It's too late for me now Sir', I'm long past talking." "Don't move bitch!" He spins faster than any of us could predict. His eyes glued to me, his gun pointed directly at my head. I can't lie and say that because I'm a police officer I'm not scared of guns. The opposite, in fact, I'm deathly afraid because I know their power. "Put your gun down. Now!" I slide it onto a desk a few inches away, his eyes watch me. _

"_Nate, I get it, you're tired of being bullied, believe me, I grew up in a small town, which I hated, everyone knew everything, lies are spread faster than Sunday sermons. The town was filled with so many closed-minded people who loved to point, judge fingers and gossip. I wasn't one of the popular kids either." _

"_Liar, I know you were a cheerleader, with your tight body, long blond hair, I bet you."_

"_Were a slut who slept around huh? Even the teachers labeled me as one, they were supposed to protect me, help me. They turned their backs on me. When kids started rumors, they snickered and told me to toughen it up, Mandy. I fought back anger every day, I got into so many fights I was branded a trouble maker, simply for defending myself." _

"_Didn't you ever want to make them pay?"_

"_Every damn day man, every damn day." I even wrote stories about getting revenge. Had it all planned out in my head." _

_I have him in my trap now, my breath is tight wheezing I can feel my touch of Asthma acting up but I can't stop. Not when I look into the eyes of Veridia Gomez she was one of the victims of our last cases. she's barely survived her attacker two weeks ago. Now here she is trapped by a fellow student on a rampage. She gives me strength only fourteen and so brave. _

"_Don't move man!" Mr. Archer doesn't stop till he's running towards Nathan the gunfire goes off as I dive for my gun. I don't hesitate to fire at him, my eyes widen as he grabs another student a young boy who squeals the bullets fire from my gun in rapid succession. _

_One slam's into the hostage's chest in my complete horror, the kid slides to the ground eyes rolling back, body falling limp as the shooter stumbles I keep firing. "Run!" I scream towards the remaining kids. _

"Amanda, honey wake up, sweetheart, honey girl. Wake up."

"Ah!" My body shoots up sweat soaked through my whole body "Oh shit, oh god." Olivia scrambles up to sit beside me in our bed holding me "Shh, honey you're safe now, it was just a nightmare." I wish it was just a nightmare, except it isn't, it was my reality. Only seven days ago I was in that classroom 1313 with twenty kids all held hostage. Time is still a little hazy it's hard to remember every detail, they come back in fragments. Time hasn't gone back to normal, it may never fully go back to normal.

PTSD comes in waves, some days I am okay, other's not so much, even now in the safety of our bedroom, I look for the exits. Window to my left, it's locked from inside. Leads to the fire escape seventeen floors up. It's the only escape. "Breathe, deeply Amanda. I'm here, You're safe. No one will come in here."

"Close your eyes, honey." I can't how do I tell her that every damn time I close my eyes even when I am awake, I see those awful sights, children who went to school to learn, so they could grow up to be the next President, politician, business manager, janitors. Kids who argued with their parents over trivial shit, who never told their parents they loved them. Kids who are now dead, shot in the head, heart, femoral arteries eyes. They went to school like every other day walked the familiar halls, teased each other, groaned about homework, planned who they were going to ask to the dance this Friday. Talked about collages, which teachers they hated, what their summer plans are.

I smell the iron of their draining blood, even now my stomach turns. I never knew blood had so much iron, it does. It stinks, it's a smell you never truly get rid of. They didn't go to be brave, to change the world, they went because the law and their parents say they have to. Now these kids will never walk those halls again, they'll never have a graduation or a college to pick out, Jenny will never get to ask Craig to the dance, Chris will never get that car his parents planned to give him fro his 16th birthday next Saturday. Summer plans are gone forever, Katy will be raising her son alone because his father Keith died a hero, he saved two freshmen when the first gunman entered their school at 12:15 p.m.

It's not right, it's not justified since when did school become a blood zone? I know people will say welcome to the 21st-century welcome to 2019, what can we do this is the world we live in. Why though? When did kids get the idea that killing their classmates was how we deal with our anger, our pain? When kids become so cruel that tearing down another kid gives them life?

I'm so sick of hearing will send our thoughts, prayers. No fuck that, start making a protest, start demanding action. No kid wants to be someones loving memory, no teacher wants thoughts and prayers, they want to change, action reform. They want mental health to become a focus they want the reality acknowledged, mental health is an issue, it's real it's scary but it can be healed. If we stop silencing/ shaming the patients who need it.

"Amanda, You're freezing, sweetie. Look at me."

I can't she doesn't get it, she wasn't there. Yes we're trained for this, yes we know the drills, we've grown to push back the horror of seeing kids marching out of schools with their hands held up. We know what to do to talk someone down, we know to shoot to kill. Nothing prepares you though for the reality of seeing scattered books, blood-splattered walls, empty silent halls, teenagers on the floor eyes wide open, their chest's no longer rising.

"Amanda, why don't you stay home today?" I can't answer her but it's not an option, she knows this, but she'll try of course. She's worried, I would be too if I was in her position. I know how I looked when I came out, ghost white, blue lips, blood-covered, shell shocked, near death. "It's only been three days honey since you were released from the hospital." "I can't stay home Liv, as much as I want to stay cuddled in your arms, I can't I need to be there today."

Liv's hands are cool as she runs them down the length of my body which ripples in tremors of terror. "Amanda, please honey. You have to stop thinking these thoughts, I know it's hard, but you saved seventeen kids last week and so many more that weren't even there because you got them out of the building before the gunman got to that classroom."

"It's little consultation to the parents of the seventeen killed Liv, five of them in the classroom I was in. plus Mr. Archer's family. His daughter's getting married next week, he won't be there, he won't get to see his son grow up."

"I know honey." she kisses my head "But to the parents of those kids who you saved, it'll mean the world to see their kids grow up."

"Tell that to Tanner's parents."

"Oh, my love." she sighs tears sliding down her eyes as she pulls me to her lap. I should feel ashamed, I'm thirty-nine I don't need to be in her lap, I'm not a baby, yet I can't find the strength to feel ashamed of needing her love, comfort. "Tanner wasn't your fault."

"Sure and neither were Esther, or Holden."

"No honey they weren't."

"Esther, Tanner both died from the bullets fired from my gun, Holden I was so close to saving him Liv so god damn close."

"You did everything by the book Amanda, Esther was an unfortunate accident, IAB cleared you of any wrong doing. Holden was armed he took hostages, the sniper did what he was told, it's not on you, just like Nathan grabbing Tanner wasn't something you could have predicted."

"i should of though, I'm a cop, we're supposed to think of every angle."

"Honey, we're human, we can't know the future or what someone else is thinking."

"Than what good are we?"

"We do a lot, good honey, you need to remember those we saved. As many victims as we lose, we save so many more. Remember sweet baby Hillary she was five when her dad sexually molested her, she was scared stiff wouldn't talk to anyone, you coaxed her into confession, she's eleven years old now, she just won the national spelling bee. She and her mom started a new life in a new city, she's in therapy and she's a happy healthy normal eleven-year-old girl."

"Remember Blake he was seven when his dad sold him into the sex trade, we rescued him in that van off the highway? Now he's 12 years old, he just got a record deal, he's in a performing arts school, he's adopted into a nice family, who provides everything any kid could ever want or need."

"Benjamin, Caroline, Joel, Elise, Ayme, Loren, Freddie, Shannon, Sophie, Brooke, Lady Peace all these kids were among those who you helped save last week. They plan to march in Washington to end gun violence. They wouldn't be here without you my love."

Closing my eyes I lay back on Liv's chest as she strokes my hair, slowly lovely singing softly to me, I feel my eyes struggle to stay awake. Her lips graze my cheek gentle sweetly, I feel her warmth as she runs her hands over my bare back. "i love you Liv, thank you." "Sweetie, I love you too." tears fall as I lay on top of her chest, slowly I feel my body drain its self. Hopefully without another nightmare.

"Well, that was brutal." Carisi makes the statement as we exit the church after the first funeral of the day, all of us dressed in our dress blues. he's trying to lighten the mood but for my heart, there's no lightening anything. Not as my eyes land on the hearse or the tiny white casket being carried out by the pallbearers, six members of the high school football team, who should be on the field practicing for their upcoming game of Notre Dame this week. Not carrying their quarterback out to his final resting place. I barely make it outside before I feel my stomach twist, and retch leaving me no choice but to vomit over the side of the steps. Liv is quick to hold me up, I'm thankful my hair is braided and twisted into a bun under my hat.

"fin grab her a water bottle." "Copy Lieutenant." "Rollins stand beside's me, let me help you, these legs are trembling."

"Hurts like hell," I mutter even the Codeine isn't touching the pain levels. Her hands caress my back and shoulders as the line of Limo's pass us by slow, draped in the school colors. "the prayers were beautiful." Carisi tries again to make small talk as we stand at attention, Chief Dobbs standing by us, along with a hundred or more officers. Seven-teen students, Four teachers, and six police officers all killed in ten minutes by three students with guns.

Liv's hand slips into mine she reaches up to brush away the black massacre which has run down my face. "my baby, my sweet baby." I know that scream it echos inside my head every night Tanner's mom. The woman's knees buckle as Carisi and Fin help hold her, she starts to beat them off. "Why did this happen? Why is she here? She stole my baby! He was an innocent kid! She shot an innocent kid! She's as guilty as that bastard that came into that school armed!"

I take the blows not saying a word just standing at attention. She has every right to hate me, to want me to pay. she's right it's my fault, my gun, my bullet that stole her son. For every birthday he'll never see, every milestone he'll never reach it's all on me. "Blame it on the guns." Someone in her family mumbles "No blame it on Trump!" Someone argues "he caused all this hate in this world!" "No, it's the mental health system in this country." "No, it's the bullying, the social media!"

"Start praying!" "I'm sick of prayers, I don't want any more thoughts, well-meaningg or not. I just want my son! When will people understand this!" My head is pounding, my chest feels tight, I slide my hand back into Liv's hand not caring if Dobbs sees us or not.

Her sobs wrench me as I hold tight to the thought of going home, drinking a bottle of whiskey medication be dammed and sleeping for the next few days. "Ma'am, I am so sorry." Dobb's tries to offer his apologies to her "Mama's ain't suppose to bury their sons, I know what it feels like, my son died in the line of duty."

"Your son was a grown man, my baby was just a god damn baby! He was only fourteen years old!"

I can't stand anymore the room is spinning my leg is throbbing. I manage to grab Liv before I feel propelled forward. Her, Fin grab me helping me inside the church, all the prayers have been prayed, the hymens have been sung, it's quiet in her now. Still, my tears keep flowing. "Rollins look at me." She lifts my chin not giving me a chance "you acted with integrity bravery and courage never thinking about yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty about, I'm not alone in this thinking, this has nothing to do with me being your girlfriend, or your boss, Chief Dobbs agrees so does Muldrew that's why they plan to present you with the medal of valor."

"liv, I don't want it, I am no hero, I just did what every officer is sworn to do, the real heros are those teachers, those students who aren't trained to do this, but who did it anyway."

"I agree, Detective Rollins, that's why I think you should present them each their own Valor's." I glance at chief Muldrew, "No joke you are correct, we swore to uphold public safety, they did not, they acted with grace, dignity, courage in the face of adversity, their trauma will be there forever, I think it would be fitting for them to be recognized to know that their courage was not in vain. What better way than to do it by a real-life hero." his hand grips my bicep "Make no exception Detective Rollins trained or not what you did that day mattered, it wasn't just the job, you went beyond the call. Beyond the badge, you are a hero, even if the pain, and horror won't let you see it, you are to those families, to those kids."

"He's right Rollins, I want you to see a therapist, I am asking you as a friend but if you refuse this will be an order, you're showing signs of PSTD, depression, and anxiety, I want you to get the help now before it affects your job you were shot to Rollins, you could of died, you almost did, that trauma stays with you."

"Copy Lieutenant." she knows by my tone I am too tired, too traumatized to argue, maybe she's helping me. Maybe I am beyond help only time will tell now.

**One Week Later**

"I now pronounce you Husband and wife, you may kiss the bride."

Mr. and Mrs. Swift stand at the top of the alter grinning as the guests stand to cheer, throwing confetti and rice. Sean Swift and Melissa archer Swift hold hands as they kiss for the first time as husband and wife.

Tears flow as Liv holds me close god she's gorgeous, Melissa's mom comes over to us smiling "Amanda I am so glad you made it, I know this week been rough on you. Please relax, enjoy yourself, my son Henry tells me how heroic you were that day, how you and my husband took him down, I miss Shiloh every damn day, he would be so proud of our daughter, our kids were his world, well part of his world, he had love and respect for every single kid in his class, so please honey do not feel guilty for his death, he devoted his life to teaching, he would have done what he did with or without you there, at least you were there to protect the students."

She hugs me, how can this woman who lost her husband, best friend father of her kids be thanking me? I was there when he died, I couldn't save him. "Daddy's proud Mama, he told me so in my dreams last night." Their six-year-old son Craig smiles as she holds him on her waist. "Daddy's in heaven now, right Mama?" "Yes sweetheart he is, with the angels,." "You mean his students?" "Yes, and God's, angels."

"I'm gonna grow up to be either a teacher or a police officer to Mama! I wish daddy was here to see me grow up, but he's always going to be my hero."

"Your daddy would be proud son. Yes, he would, always remember that."

Letting out a nervous breath I turn to Liv as she smiles at Mrs. Archer "Your daughter is beautiful ma'am, thank you for the invite." "Always Ma'am, I always have much love, respect for what you officers do every day, I think someone wants your attention."

She turns to see me on my left knee, holding up my hands, Fin and Carisi are behind me hooting as I let out a shaky breath, tears brimming in my eyes. "Olivia Margaret Benson will you do me the honors, of making me the happiest woman in life, would you marry me?" She gasps as she stares at the heart-shaped diamond and amethyst encrusted ring. I can't help but be nervous she has so many professional reasons for saying no, we've only been together a few months, yet I know in my heart she's my only half.

"I love you, Olivia, I want to be your whole world like you are mine, I'll treasure you, protect you till my dying day, I will love you with every breath of my life. Would you say yes?"


End file.
